Turn Around
by Topsy
Summary: This story takes place in the middle of the finale, "Knockout." You'll know where once you start reading.


**Author's Note:** I haven't written a fanfic in nearly six years, but this one came into my brain and I felt like it actually deserved to be written. We'll see what you think! This fanfic takes place in the middle of the finale, "Knockout." You'll know where once you start reading. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Castle to do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for a short time.

* * *

They stand across from each other, tension swirling in the room. Kate can feel it like it's a tangible thing, a top spinning between them, held up by the words they bounce back and forth to each other.

"Castle, they killed my mother. What do you want me to do here?" Kate feels like the floor is tilting under her feet. She knows where this is going, knows, but can't stop it. And she needs to hear him say it.

"Walk away." He pauses, and the floor drops out from under her, taking her stomach with it. She can't believe he actually said it, can't believe he, of all people, is asking her to walk away. She stares at him, at a loss for words. "They're going to kill you, Kate. And if you don't care about that, just think about how that's going to affect the people that love you. Do you really want to put your dad through that?" Something in her abdomen clenches with the mention of her dad. "And what about Josh?"

Anger bubbles within her as she steps toward him. Since when does he care about Josh's feelings? "And what about you, Rick?" She isn't sure what she is doing, only knows she is letting her anger lead her through this conversation. She worries it might all blow up in her face, but she can't help it, can't help but push him, try and make him feel like she does, her gut hollowed out. Her… her trust in him betrayed.

"Well, of course, I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner. I'm your friend."

"Is that what we are?" Kate keeps pushing him.

He steps in closer to her, his face serious. "You know what, I don't know what we are. We kiss and then we never talk about it." Her heart skips a beat at the mention of the kiss they had shared. "We nearly die frozen in each other's arms, but we never talk about it. So no, I got no clue what we are. I know I don't want to see you throw your life away."

She is so tired of him trying to lead her around on a leash, pushing her to do things, say things she doesn't want to do or say. From the beginning, he has tried to control her. Going over her head, to the mayor, and her captain, to get assigned to ride along with her. Going against her wishes and re-opening her mother's case. Making her feel something for him, which in turn caused her to dump Tom. Strolling back in to her life, forcing her to take him back, let him back in. She's sick of it, of him.

Her voice gets louder in anger. "Yeah, well, last time I checked, it was my life, not your personal jungle gym. And for the past three years, I have been running around with the school's funniest kid, and it's not enough." Not anymore. He said he's her partner, but a partner should have her back, should support her when she needs help. But if that's not what he wants to do, then she doesn't need his help. Or anyone's. This is her battle to fight and she can do it alone.

She walks away from him, headed toward the door, ready to shove him out of her apartment and out of her life. But he keeps digging at her, refusing to let things go. She whirls around at the sound of his voice.

"You know what, this isn't about your mother's case, anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. Because you've been chasing this thing so long you're afraid to find out who you are without it," Castle says.

Red frays at the edge of her vision, she's so angry with him. "You don't know me, Castle! You think you do, but you don't," she says, voiced raised, hands punctuating her sentences.

He follows her forward, coming to stand in front of her again, his voice low and serious. "I know you crawled inside your mother's murder, and didn't come out. I know you hide there, same way you hide in these nowhere relationships with men you don't love. You could be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy. But you're afraid."

She is afraid; scared to death of so many different things. She's afraid of the outcome of this argument, of what she might do if he really walks away, of how that will really make her feel. She's afraid of the outcome of investigating her mother's case, what she might do if there is no one there to help her, if she goes on a crusade without backup. She's afraid of what would happen if she did walk away, did stop looking for her mother's killer. What would that do to her? What would any of those things do to her?

But she's done; done with him and done listening to people who ask her to give up on her mother. She cannot do that. And he knows that, he's the one person who really _knows that_, so why would he ask her to walk away? Why?

Betrayal sits like a hot lump of coal in her stomach, burning her insides.

She makes her decision. "You know what we are, Castle? We are over. Now get out." Then she turns, heading in the other direction, her heart lodged in her throat, waiting to hear the sound of the door shutting at her back.

* * *

Castle makes it all the way to the door, his hand on the knob, the door open an inch, before he stops.

This wasn't how this was supposed to go. This wasn't how he wanted it to happen. He had meant to be softer about it, had meant to take a gentler approach, but she'd been raring for a fight the moment he walked in the door. And he had responded as such. But if he walked away now, he was afraid he might never get her back, might never scale those walls she was re-building around herself.

He doesn't want to lose her.

He closes the door and turns. "Kate," he says to her back.

She whirls around and he sees anger flash in her eyes. "I said get out, Castle. I don't want you here." Her voice is flat, cold.

He holds out his hands, as if in a truce. His voice is quiet, more soothing than before. "Just… just let me explain a little more. I don't want to leave things like this—"

"I don't care, Castle, I don't want to hear what you have to say."

"When I'm done, if you want me to go, I will. No questions asked. I'll turn right around and go out that door. Just… let me explain." His eyes search hers. "Please."

The air leaves her lungs in a defeated gust and she slumps her shoulders. She walks forward a few steps closer to him, but leaves a wide space between them, keeping her distance. He is still standing by the door, his back only a few feet from the exit. She crosses her arms over her chest. "Fine. But when you're done, you're going."

He nods. "This didn't go like I… imagined it. I didn't mean to—" He stops, trying to find the words. _C'mon, Rick, you're a writer. You can fix this_, he thinks.

He starts over. "I feel like I am stuck between two solid walls that are closing in on me, Kate. I want to help you find your mother's killer. I know how much it means to you and I know that you can't walk away from it, from her. I _know_ that." He looks at her and sees a shadow of something on her face; betrayal, maybe? He swallows hard at that. "But for some reason, the people who love you keep coming to me and asking me to stop you."

He sees surprise light in her eyes, sees her brows draw together a little more, wondering what he means. So he continues. "Your father came to me and asked me to try to make you see the danger you are putting yourself in. He wants you to walk away and let this go. He thinks that you will listen to me, that I can convince you that your life is worth more than your mother's death. And I can't help but think about how he's already lost your mother, and what it might do to him if he loses you, too." He clears his throat when she looks away, anguish clear in her eyes.

"Then, Captain Montgomery tells me that he can't ask you to stand down, because he knows you won't listen to him. I think he knows if he asks you to walk away, you will just go off on your own. If you work the case under his watch, he can protect you." He waits a moment, waits for a reaction, but she surprises him by remaining silent, her gaze drifting between him and the floor. So he barrels on, leaving out the part where he had asked Montgomery to take her off the case. She doesn't need to know that, he'll explain how _he_ feels to her later. "He thinks that the only person you will listen to is me; that I am the only one who can stop you from doing this. I know he's wrong, that your father is wrong. I know that I can't stop you."

He takes a step closer to her. She flinches, so he stops. "You can see the position I'm in, can't you, Kate? The walls pushing in on me. I'm your partner, and I want to do this with you, I want to help you catch your mother's killer. But I also want you to be safe. I—" His voice hitches slightly, but he swallows it down. "I had to at least try to stop you." He pauses before saying the next thing, the thing that makes his guts twist like someone's hand caught in barbed wire. "I don't want your dad to have to go through that again. I don't want to see the Captain at his best detective's funeral. *I* don't want to go to your funeral, Kate." He can barely finish around the lump in his throat. "I don't know what would happen… to me, if you died," he whispers.

She looks up at him, finally meeting his gaze. Her eyes are brimming with tears, and she's digging her fingernails into her palms.

"So yes, I wish you would stop. I wish you would walk away. I want you to walk away. But I also know that you can't. So I will do whatever you want me to do, Kate. I will help you find the man behind your mother's murder, if that's what you want. I will help you through the emotions if you decide to walk away, to let it go. I will do whatever you need me to do." Even if it goes against his instinct to protect her, he will do what she needs. Because he needs her.

They are silent for a few moments, staring at each other. Finally, she blinks, and a tear rolls down her cheek. It breaks his heart.

"Tell me what you need from me, Kate."

And then, suddenly, she is in his arms. She buries her face into his neck, under the collar of his shirt, and wraps her arms tightly around his waist, under his jacket. He can feel the warmth of her tears on his skin, so he wraps her up in his arms, one hand around her back, one hand in her hair.

* * *

After a moment of him holding her like that, her breath skating across the skin at his collarbone, she speaks. "I'm sorry."

He hesitates, and then asks, "For what?" His fingers curl in her hair.

She pauses, her heart pounding in her chest, and she's sure he can feel it against him. Her stomach rolls with nerves. "Because I can't…" Her breath stutters against his skin. She thinks she should pull back, look at him, but she's not sure she can get this all out while looking him in the eyes. She's so used to keeping things, keeping her words and emotions bottled up. "Because I can't let this go. Not now. We're too close to solving this, too close to closing it. I just want it to be over. If I walk away now, I might lose this for good. If I give him time to regroup, he'll escape forever. So I can't walk away right now, and I'm sorry. I wish I could. I wish I could do what everyone wants me to do." She hesitates, and then forges ahead. "I wish I could do what you want me to do," she finishes on a whisper.

He brings his hands up, taking her face in his hands and tugging her back to look at him. She won't meet his eyes. "Hey," he says softly.

She finally looks at him, her eyes wet and her chin quivering. She hates herself for showing this much emotion, but she can't seem to stop it.

"If that is what you need to do, I will help you," Castle says.

She gives in to the tears, her face crumpling, and she pushes her face back against his neck, needing to hide. He gives her the space, gives her some time to ride out the tears.

After a few minutes, she speaks again, showing him pieces of her she hasn't shared with anyone for a long time. "I'm scared, Castle."

"I know. It's going to be alright." He rubs her back, tries to be reassuring, but she's shaking her head against him.

"You don't know that." She lifts her head back up, looks at him. He uses his thumbs to rub the tears from her cheeks. "I don't want to die, Castle, but I am less afraid of that than I am of taking everyone else down with me. If something happens to you…" She trails off, and casts her eyes away from him, thinking of Alexis. If her actions cause Alexis to lose a father, it will kill her just as much as a bullet would. "If something happens to you, because you're helping me, because I won't let this go, I will never forgive myself."

He turns her face towards his again. "Do you want me to help you?"

She bites her lip, chewing on it. She wants him to help her, yes. She wants him by her side more than anything, helping her fight against this. But she doesn't want to be the cause of something happening to him. "I don't know," she finally whispers.

He remains silent, waiting her out.

"I do want your help, Castle. But I… I don't want you to follow me into something so dangerous that we might not come out. I don't know if I should let you help me, or just go off on my own and—"

"First of all, Detective Beckett, you should know by now that I will follow you anywhere, regardless of whether you want me there or not." He gives her a crooked smile. "So if you try and go off on your own, I am only going to follow you there anyway. So we may as well go there together, side by side, having each other's backs. We're partners, detective." He pauses, trying to read her eyes. "You already told me that you're not going to walk away, and it's my choice to stay beside you and fight with you. So if something happens to me, it's not your fault. It was—it is *my* choice."

"That won't matter if something happens to you, Castle. I will still feel responsible."

"The only people who would be responsible would be the people who killed your mother. The people who hurt me, or you."

She shakes her head, stepping away from him, breaking contact with him. But he grabs her hand, pulls her back, though they don't touch anywhere other than their linked hands. "I've made up my mind, Kate. Do you see that?" he asks, and she looks at him. She searches his eyes and sees the answer already there. He won't let her do this alone.

Her shoulders slump, but she nods, still meeting his gaze. "Yes."

"So you may as well let me go with you, let me do this with you, because even if you don't, I am going to follow you anyway. And that's more dangerous than if we just start off, side by side."

She steps a little closer to him, her eyes trained on a button on his shirt. Then she looks up at him. "Just promise me that you'll be smart and be safe. Don't do something stupid and listen to me when I give you directions."

He smirks at her. "Yes, ma'am, I'll do my best."

"Please, Castle. Promise me?" She's serious, ignoring his humor, waiting for him to answer her.

He steps forward, his hands coming up to rest on either side of her neck, his thumbs angled along her jaw line. He knows he should keep his distance, keep his hands to himself. They've already gotten physically closer tonight than normal, and he knows it's another dangerous game they're playing. But he can't help himself. He needs to touch her, and for once she's not pushing him away.

"I promise."

She reads something in his eyes, sees the need there, and she can't resist. Much like he can't resist touching her, she can't resist the pull she feels. So she steps forward, closes in on him, and slants her lips across his.

He freezes for a moment, never expecting her to make the first move, but before he can think too much, he takes that last step closer, so they are touching, body to body, and moves his lips against hers. Her hands draw up to clutch at the lapels on his coat, and she steps up onto her tiptoes to get closer.

The kiss starts out sweet, slow, a promise to protect each other and keep each other safe. But then her tongue slips out to outline his bottom lip, and the sweetness ignites into passion. His hands grab for purchase, one settling its grip on her hip, the other splayed across her shoulder blades to pull her closer. Her hands go up, diving into his hair, clutching him to her. They let all of their fear and worry and residual anger play into the kiss, their mouths crushed together, their tongues clashing together.

They moan simultaneously, and just like that, his brain switches back on, the noise knocking him out of the drunken stupor her lips provide. He reaches up, hands on her cheeks, and pulls her back, their lips smacking with the quick release. Her eyes fly open and she looks at him, and he sighs, resting his forehead against hers. "Not like this, Kate," he says.

They both think of Josh at the same moment.

A strangled sigh flies out of her, and she closes her eyes and her lips, still resting against him. After a moment, she opens up, looking into the blue sea of his eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispers. She starts to step back, but he pulls her close into a hug, wrapping his arms around her waist and dipping his head this time to rest against her shoulder.

"Don't be." She hesitantly circles his waist with her arms. "Don't be sorry, okay? It's alright. This just isn't… it isn't our time," Castle says. _Yet_, he finishes silently. He pulls back to look at her, gives her one last squeeze, then steps away. "So, are you going to sleep or work on the case?"

She bites her lip, studying the space between them, wishes it was different, that she was different. "I, uh, I should probably sleep."

He bobs his head in a nod. "Okay, then I'll let you get some sleep." He steps back, toward the door, but she stops him with her voice.

"Castle."

He looks at her, sees the sorrow and the need written clearly in her eyes. "I will see you in the morning at the precinct." It sounds more like a question than a statement.

He nods, smiling at her. "Yes. See you in the morning, partner."

* * *

_**End Note:** So, what do you think? I would really love some reviews, considering this is my first foray back into fanfiction in six years. I could use some help rebuilding my confidence. Especially because I just finished up an outline for my second "Castle" fanfic. And if you liked this, it will encourage me to write that second one._

_This story didn't turn out 100% how I wanted it to, and I think part of it kind of drifts from the show. Because after this, when Montgomery calls Castle to the hangar, it probably wouldn't go how it did on the show. But that's okay, because this is fiction, right? And I just wanted to write out this scene, because it felt incomplete to me. I wanted to see more on the show, I wanted to see him turn around. So, out popped this little story. Sorry if it's OOC or anything like that. Please forgive me! Any tips and constructive criticism would be extremely helpful. Thank you!_


End file.
